Temple Garments

It is common for people to think we members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons) are different. One things that many people find odd, or curious is the fact that we wear temple garments. The fact that members don't talk about their garments, or what goes on in the temple likely increases curiosity. For me personally, it's always been symbolic of commitments, promises, and beliefs I have which can be compared to why some wear a cross. I remember when I was in high school, my boyfriend (who wasn't Mormon) wasn't allowed to attend a wedding reception with me because his parents had "heard all about Mormons running around in our underwear at weddings." I had to laugh when I heard their response. I couldn't believe that intelligent people would really think that's what happens in the temple, let alone at a reception center!

I can assure you that you won't see people running around in their underwear at Mormon wedding receptions, or in the temple. Honestly, most of the temple ceremony can be read straight out of the Bible. I have to admit that the temple clothing does look different, but has a lot of symbolism behind it--just as the Jew's prayer shawl, head tefillin, or other religious clothing does. I'm excited that the church has come out with a video that shows you temple clothing and the garments we wear. Hopefully, it will help dissolve any misconceptions people have about the temple garments and clothing.

I've always found it beautiful to learn the symbolism behind different religions religious rituals and clothing. While some of the ways they worship definitely seem foreign to me, I can appreciate their rites as a way they show respect and love for God.

Here's the video Sacred Temple Clothing:

Why are Mormons Always Inviting Me?

We'll get to that question in a moment, but first let me say, it's good to be back. Now that we're home I can connect to the internet and post on my blog again. We have been living in a cabin for the past three months. While we had the internet, the laptop we brought with us is very old making it extremely difficult to do anything on-line. Sorry if you missed me.

We got back this week. Right in time to get ready for General Conference. Twice a year our family enjoys some fun traditions to celebrate this time. First, we mimic the example of King Benjamin's people and will set up a tent and face it towards our "tower" (our computer) where the prophet and other leaders will speak during the weekend. It's also a time when we remember to restock our 72 hour kits with new food before the old stuff goes bad. We enjoy snacking and eating from our old kits as we listen to our prophets and leaders speak. It's also a time where we remember to take a personal inventory of our own lives. As we listen, we are always inspired with what we need to change, or how we can be a little better. We also leave feeling our Savior Jesus Christ's love. This is why I often invite others (including nonmembers) to join us, or to listen via the internet. It's my way of trying to share the amazing experience with others. 

I often will post an invitation to friends so they can watch if they are interested. I have to admit I am always nervous when posting anything religious. I worry that I might offend or annoy friends and family. I know during the political season there are times when I get tired of heated political posts. I wouldn't be surprised if some good friends and loved ones feel the same when I post something relating to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

If you're one of those people who gets tired of all of us Mormons inviting you to listen to Conference, or to read the Book of Mormon, to meet with the missionaries, to go to church activities, or whatever else please don't be so annoyed you'll cut ties with us. We're sharing and inviting, not because we get "brownie points or bonuses," but because we care about you just as Elder Bednar describes in this talk with an entertaining personal story. I hope you'll take the time to watch or listen to his talk so that the next time you see another religious post from me or some other Mormon, you can smile to yourself even if it's while saying, "There they go again."

If you aren't put off by our invitations and are even a little curious or interested in learning more about Mormons you can do just that all in the name of charity. On October 10th (this Friday) you can go to a theater (hopefully) near you and watch Meet the Mormons. The best part is all the proceeds will be donated to the American Red Cross! Click here to find the closest theater near you.

Should Women Hold the Priesthood?

This post has been sitting and waiting to be edited for a long time. The first draft was written before Elder Oaks talk. Since there has been a lot of discussion about Kate Kelly's excommunication from the church, I decided it was a good time to quickly edit and post my thoughts...

Well, should we?

Here's a quick Background:

A lot of members inside the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been discussing this topic (see here and in other links provided below). For those of you who aren't members of our church (aka Mormons), we believe that there are vital ordinances, like baptism, that we need in order to return to live with Heavenly Father. We believe that these ordinances can only be performed by a person holding the priesthood. At this time, only men can hold the priesthood (the authority to act in God's name for the salvation of all people [read more about what it is here]). As far as we know, men are the only people who have ever held the priesthood. However, everyone is able to receive all the blessings that come from the priesthood (i.e. baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, marriage for eternity etc.) If you're curious and want to learn more about the priesthood feel free to look here.

Before I give my opinion (about whether women should hold the priesthood), I'd like to take a quick detour and say I don't think we should look down on anyone who asks this question. It's not a bad thing to ask questions. The church reiterated this in a response to the publicity Kate Kelly received concerning her disciplinary counsel (see here). Asking questions can build your faith as you study to find your answer. That being said, I think the leader of Ordain Women, Kate Kelly,  has crossed the line since she's publicly fighting with Church leaders while refusing to meet with her local clergy. Just the same, I don't believe Kelly is a bad person. Actually, I think she is trying her best to do (what she sees as) good. And whether or not you agree with her, I think that we can learn a lot from the concerns she and other members of Ordain Women have brought up. I think many women wonder why they don't have the priesthood, and whether or not it makes them any less valuable. I can understand why not having the priesthood may frighten some women.

The World Women Come From:
 
Let's look at the context of the culture women live in. One in five college aged women are victims of rape or attempted rape. One in three women are victims of domestic violence. Many have been victims of physical, emotional, and or sexual abuse from their fathers, or other trusted adults. Many of these crimes are often committed by men who see women as beneath them.

Most people outside of the church define the word "patriarch" differently then we do in our church. They see a patriarch as a man who not only leads, but as one who believes he is above women and children. They see him as a man who believes his opinion is more valuable than a  woman's. Now days patriarch is seen as a man who believes he should dominate and control. Those outside the church also associate the word patriarch with the over the top macho man. Many people in our society attribute the word masculinity with words like strong, powerful, and emotionless; while femininity is associated with words like weak, emotional, and (because we're emotional) illogical.

I think most women have had experiences where they felt powerless, voiceless, and weak due to men attempting to control them. It doesn't help that many women have been victims of violence. Most of that violence is carried out by men who fit the characteristics above. Men who see themselves as a "real man." If a woman has had these experiences, or wants to protect other women from such experiences, it's easy to see why she might find receiving the priesthood important. I'd assume that for many of these women, receiving the priesthood would prove to them that church leaders see women as equal to men. These women may believe that holding the priesthood would prove their voice really is as valuable as a man's. It also might help them feel that our Heavenly Father isn't one who sees them as inferior to men. I can tell you now that most women who have lived in a masculine world, and who have been victims of violence, are scared that God might be just like their abuser(s).

I too have felt a bit of fear that Heavenly Father didn't see me as valuable, or as worthy as a man. Most of that fear came from my own experiences in a world that isn't always kind to women. I've also had many experiences that have led me to believe that God is loving, and that I am just as valuable to him as the next woman, or man. There's is a lot of evidence for this in Christ's life. To me, it's evident that Christ showed He valued women just as much as He did men. If I hadn't come to this conclusion in my own life, I may have been one of those women wanting to hold the priesthood. In fact, there are still times when I question my worth in God's eyes and have to turn to Him again and ask for that reassurance. Women want to feel safe, in control of their destiny, and of equal worth.

Let me share some worries I had as I struggled for a long time (and still struggle) to understand my role as a woman. Did being a woman really mean that I had to set aside personal goals and give up personal development. Would I be barefoot and pregnant for eternity? Was I inferior to my future husband? 

These questions really freaked me out as a young woman. Don't get me wrong, I still wanted to have kids, but I was scared that my growth as a person didn't matter. Before I got married, I worried that I was expected to lose myself in my role as a mother; so much so that I would cease to exist as an individual. Did being a woman mean I was a second class citizen in God's kingdom too? People have treated me that way at times, or like I'd been brain washed to act as a submissive wife (as seen in my experience while visiting this Dr).

Four kids later, I'm glad to say that my fears were unfounded. I love my role as a mother, a wife, and as an individual. My spouse has helped me feel safe. I know he respects my opinion and sees me as a person of equal value. Other women may not have had that experience with their spouse. Even I, who have had a very positive experience with marriage, still worry sometimes about my ability to control my own destiny in the next life. Given the context of our culture and its treatment of women, I can understand why some women would have major concerns about having "unequal opportunities" for status and responsibility. I feel like we need to address their concerns and questions and not just brush them aside. After all, there are still a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be a woman (or a man) in our society. 

Ordain Women expressed concerns that not holding the priesthood limited their potential (see here), and kept them from participating equally in church service compared to men.
Based on the response of church leaders that: "Ordination of women to the priesthood is a matter of doctrine that is contrary to the Lord's revealed organization for His Church," it is apparent that women will not be holding the priesthood anytime soon. Elder Oaks reconfirmed this in a talk given during priesthood session (see here). If this answer from an apostle is upsetting, I'd hope you'll remember that it's okay to ask questions. As I stated above, asking questions through prayer and study can allow us to grow (read a great talk on "doubt your doubt before you doubt your faith" here). Just make sure you ask questions while you continue to pray and study the gospel. I believe that women crave to understand where they stand in the church. So, it's essential that women in the church understand what their role is in God's plan. Is our role somehow less than a man's? I don't think so. Here are a couple of points I think will help us explore the divine role of women. A lot of the points overlap one another, but they are all important to think about and discuss:

#1.

This point is tied in to the rest and has already somewhat been said, but it's worth saying again. We all want life to be fair. We know that through the priesthood all men and all women are able to have all the blessings that come from receiving the ordinances of the gospel. Every worthy man or woman can be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, go to the temple, and receive promised priesthood blessings. Both sexes have to ask to get a blessing when they are sick or in need of help, and both sexes can be sealed to a spouse for eternity, etc. So, as members of the church we all have equal access to these blessings.

Yet, some women feel that not holding the priesthood is a blessing that is being withheld from them. They may feel they are not equal to men because they aren't given the "right" to hold the priesthood. What they're missing is that holding the priesthood isn't necessarily a blessing or a right, it is a responsibility. I believe that women's roles and responsibilities are just as important as a man's role.

The issue at hand here is not holding the priesthood, it is receiving equal respect and value as a man or a woman. I think these women believe holding the priesthood is a way of reassuring their value. I feel that a women can have different responsibilities and still be equally valuable as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In other words, receiving the priesthood doesn't really add any extra measure of worth to a person, at least not in God's eyes.

I've heard somebody say 2+2=4 and 3+1=4. Both equations end up with the same value even though they get the value in different ways. We don't have to be exactly the same as men to be of equal value.


#2.

A woman is just different than a man. We are not the same, and if your not happy that you're a woman...well, you should be (see here)! I am! I believe we have a different role as a woman. Have you ever thought about how through the priesthood we are able to return to live with Heavenly Father? In a way, all women depend on men to give us the ordinances required to return and live with God.

Women are needed on the front end. We women are needed to house the bodies of God's spirit children. Spirit children are able to leave their home in heaven to be brought to this life so that they can receive their precious body and to continue to grow and progress and move forward. Without women, God's spirit children wouldn't be able to leave their pre-mortal life to come to earth. Without worthy men, we wouldn't be able to return back to God. Let's also not forget that priesthood holders can't make it to the highest level of glory without being married to a woman. Both men and women are fundamental components of Heavenly Father's plan! Sure, being a mom with all it's dirty work does sound less glorious when compared to having authority from God. Yet, I think we forget just how awesome and powerful it is to be able to house one of Heavenly Father's spirit children in our womb. The role of a woman isn't any less than a man's. One side of a coin isn't any more or less important than the other side. I love this idea (read more here) and it has become one of my own beliefs.




#3. 

Women were made to be a "helpmeet" for their husband. In the past, if I'd heard the word helpmeet, I would likely have cringed and had disturbing images of an oppressed wife with a swollen belly being told, "Woman! Get in the kitchen!" Then I learned the definition for helpmeet while attending a conference at Ricks College (now BYU Idaho). The professor explained that the Hebrew word for meet in helpmeet (k'enegdo) was difficult to translate into English, but could be thought of as an opposite. Yet, not quite how we tend to think of opposites. Instead, the concept is more like our hands are opposites. While our two hands are the same in many ways, they are also different and complimentary. If our hands weren't different, they would both face the same direction. Because they are mirror opposites, we are able to pick things up and use our hands much more efficiently and effectively.

Our spouse is our other half. Together we are whole, or "one flesh (see Genesis 2:24)." I've noticed in my marriage that my weaknesses are often my husbands strengths and vice versa, which makes us better when we work as a team, than when we work alone. Blogger Heather discusses this, as well as more about the Hebrew meaning of helpmeet in this post. I highly recommend you read it.

Men and women need one another. If a man isn't sealed to his spouse in this life or the next (or married for all time and all eternity), then he can't progress. He can't return and live with Heavenly Father. So again, men cannot progress without a wife, and women can't without a husband. AND we better make sure our spouse will want to live with us forever. Which means we better treat one another with love and respect. Which leads me to...


#4.

A myth that many seem to believe inside and outside the church is that holding the priesthood somehow gives the man power to rule over, or even dominate and control his wife and children. However, the leaders in our church have taught us this isn't the case. For example, the President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Boyd K. Packer said, “In the Church there is a distinct line of authority (I believe that is so things are organized and run smoothly). We serve where called by those who preside over us. In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together (italics added).”  This link has a great article with several other quotes from our modern day apostles and leaders on this topic. Elder Dalllin H. Oaks also spoke about priesthood authority in the family and you can watch, or read his talk here.

#5. Not holding the priesthood does exclude women from certain church responsibilities and positions. In a world culture where a woman's value and respect is granted instead of claimed, I can understand why some women don't feel comfortable with this arrangement and don't trust that men in the church recognize their value. Some honestly may not.


Priesthood callings have all the power and glory right? Hmmm. I'd have to say as far as church callings go the answer would be "Yes...and no." Sure we look up to our priesthood leaders, and come to admire and respect them, but really their calling isn't as glorified or powerful as many outside the church would think. In fact, the way we see church positions and power in the church is different then those outside the church think of it. A man who has a leadership position (e.g. being a Bishop) doesn't look at his position as one where he can continue to climb the ranks, or where he can rule over and direct those serving under him. Elder Oaks again touched base on this in the same talk I previously mentioned.

No. Instead, a good bishop serves. Bishops are asked to sacrifice a lot, just as Christ did during His ministry. A bishop is not paid, and frankly most smart men don't really want this calling or job. A bishop could easily be released one week and then be given a calling working as a janitor, or in some other capacity. I suppose priesthood leaders get more recognition and respect for their service than their wife does (some members even seem to forget priesthood leaders are humans whose counsel isn't always doctrine), but the reality is that their wives are serving just as much in their own way. Paul taught this concept with a great analogy in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. Every member is needed.

I mention this last point because many in the group Ordain Women mentioned feeling frustrated that they couldn't hold church callings, or positions because they can't hold the priesthood which stifles their contribution and personal growth. I can see their point, but there are plenty of other ways women can contribute, serve, and grow personally in and outside of the church. If this is their biggest concern, perhaps they need to be told how much their service is appreciated and/or should be given more responsibilities. We certainly could use more member missionaries right? We should also start talking about whether women can serve where they haven't previously. Perhaps this will open up the discussion so women will be invited to serve in some capacities previously held only by priesthood holders like the Sunday School president.

Some other things that Latter-day Saints need to discuss is whether or not the Primary age girls and Young Women feel left out. I think many leaders are starting to see that there are subtle messages that make many girls feel they are less than males. Traditions like having men be the last speaker and giving them the most time may send an unintentional message that what women have to say isn't as important. Many Bishops and leaders already recognize this and make sure that both males and females close meetings and are given more equal amounts of time. What about the amount of budget and activities that go towards Scouts and Activity Day girls, or Young Men versus Young Women. When more emphasis is put on the programs for boys and all of their Scouting events and camp-outs, many girls feel excluded.

On the other hand, when leaders emphasize both the Scouting programs and the Young Women and Activity Day Girl programs, the girls won't feel like a lesser priority. I've been in many wards who really worked hard to make sure that all the youth and children knew they were equally important. One particular ward excelled at this. When the Young Men went on a biking trip, the Young Women followed shortly thereafter and biked hundreds of miles. There was a daddy daughter activity planned as well as a father-and-son outing. While the types of activities may have differed, the amount of activities both the girls and boys had were similar. You can imagine the impact this had on all the youth. 

So...after discussing the role of women, the question still remains:

Will women ever hold the priesthood? I think the answer came after the church first responded to Ordain Women in this letter, and again in Elder Oaks talk. There response has led me to believe that in this life women likely won't hold the preisthood. In the life to come? I don't know. I don't think it's impossible. In fact, from what I've gathered from attending the temple I believe it's possible that women might hold the priesthood in the next life. If we don't, I'm sure we'll at least be able to get good answers as to why not. Until then, we should continue to turn to our Father in Heaven so He can give us guidance and show us our divine worth. It would be beneficial to remember and to remind other women this concept often: We women are of equal worth whether we hold the priesthood or not.

The Errand of Angels

I hope all of you had a wonderful Mother’s Day! This morning I woke up to my oldest daughter whispering to her younger sister, “wake up.” Since my husband has been out of town doing military training, my oldest daughters have been planning and anticipating making me a special Mother’s Day surprise. They tiptoed down our stairs sometime around 6:30 this morning. You’d have thought it was Christmas had you heard their excited whispers. 

Soon after they came upstairs bearing their gifts on a cake pan. Every Mother’s Day they can remember they’d get up early to help Daniel make me a feast usually consisting of:  yogurt, fruit, and pancakes. Since Daniel wasn’t there to help, they treated me to muffins along with yogurt, applesauce, and juice. I enjoyed seeing my oldest daughter’s toothless grin as she watched me enjoy the fruit of their labor (this is also tradition). I eat while they sit and watch and smile. 

Here's the before picture of my surprise breakfast in all it's glory (ignore the poor quality...I took it with my iPod)

Besides their excitement, the best part of this “surprise” was that my own mom sacrificed in order to make it happen. See, the girls had told grandma about their plans. Knowing that they wouldn’t be able to make pancakes on their own, she helped provide those muffins. My mom was up in DC visiting for a week. While I was at a Dr. appointment with our toddler, and the only means of transportation, my mom walked a mile to the grocery store where she purchased those muffins, juice, and countless other items she couldn’t help pass up knowing we’d enjoy them (like a massive bag of candy, several, boxes of pastries, bagels, cream cheese and more). I seriously don’t know how she carried it all. Yet, she did. After she got back she helped the girls tuck the muffins in a bag marked, “No Peeking Mom!” and slipped them in the freezer. Last night they instructed me to pull that bag out to let it defrost overnight.

So when I ate my breakfast this morning, it was even more special knowing that my mom had sacrificed to make my own Mother’s Day surprise possible. Moms are awesome! I’m lucky to have a mom who’s willing to walk a mile and carry a load for me time and time again.

I’m also lucky to have so many other mother figures or “nurturers” in my life. I remember first really recognizing all these motherly figures/nurturers while serving a mission in South Korea. I was serving in Je Ju Island and had been there for some time. I remember waking up and having an upset stomach. At the time my companion was also somewhat annoyed with me. In her defense, I have to say it’s not easy living with a person 24/7. I’m not exaggerating either. Missionaries are always with their companions unless they are using the facilities (aka the restroom). While Je Ju is gorgeous (they say it’s Korea’s Hawaii, and I say it’s even better), we didn’t get as many opportunities to see and connect with other missionaries, and sometimes felt a little isolated. Needless to say being imperfect and all, my companion and I sometimes got annoyed with one another, and that morning she was pretty frustrated about something. 

We left to go do our weekly service at a local community center where the elderly would come and eat a free meal. I knew that my companion would soon get over whatever was bugging her and we’d likely talk about it after we’d worked and served the community for a couple of hours. Yet, as we passed out bowls, chopsticks, and spoons, my stomach tightened and began to really hurt. I remember not wanting to bother my companion because I knew she needed her space, but wondered if I should approach her and ask if we should go home. I didn’t know if my stomachache was a good enough reason to need to take a day off, but decided I wouldn’t bother my companion unless it got worse. In that moment I felt so utterly and completely alone. I still couldn’t quite comprehend the language, and while I loved the people, I wondered if I was even making a difference. I felt so insignificant and small. I said a silent prayer in my mind, letting Heavenly Father know how I felt and asking that I be comforted with a sense of peace. I remember as I prayed and ignored the pain in my stomach, I couldn’t help but think how in that moment all I really wanted was my mom. As a woman in her early twenties, I felt pretty lame admitting I wanted my mother’s comfort, but I voiced this thought in my prayer anyhow. I knew if anyone besides Heavenly Father was pushing for my health and success, it would be mom. I missed her.

 After my silent prayer was offered, I busied myself in the kitchen. After we’d gotten the rice bowls filled and hot soup had been served, one of the women must have noticed me holding my stomach and asked if I was feeling okay. I was surprised that she’d noticed anything but admitted that I was hurting. In a flash I had two women beside me practicing reflexology as they rubbed my hands. Another woman made a quick trip to the pharmacy to grab some medicine. The rest of the women hurried to make me rice soup that they claimed would help. My companion’s frustration had melted away and she also looked at me with concern and helped the women make a fuss over me.

 I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of love wash over me, and knew that God had heard my prayer and answered it in the most unexpected way. God didn't send my own mother, but there I was surrounded by the same nurturing love of a mother. I felt a little embarrassed with all the attention they were giving me. Yet, their service reassured me that Heavenly Father was aware of me. Even though I was one among billions He'd taken the time to inspire these earthly angels. I knew He had.  There act of service might have seemed small and unimportant in their eyes, but to me their simple acts of love enveloped me. Their service was specific to my needs and allowed me to have a glimpse at just how spectacular and wonderful these women were.

This week seemed to be a repeat of that experience. After my Grandma passed away, I was beyond disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to make it to her funeral. I was so upset when I knew I was going to miss it. I was close with my grandma. We’d spent the last three years living just a block away. Even when Daniel and I were dating we’d often go to visit Grandpa and Grandma and developed quite a bond. After Grandpa passed away, we saw Grandma even more as she decided to teach one of my daughter’s preschool to help out while Daniel was away doing officers training. She’d done so much for our little family, yet I wasn’t going to make it to the funeral. I was very down that whole day.

Then, yesterday out of nowhere (or, after my worried and helpless husband sent an e-mail out that I was unaware of), the kind words and gestures started to pour in. I feel like I’ve been whisked back to that table with a bowl of rice soup and countless nurturers surrounding and fussing over me. While I feel a little embarrassed getting so much attention and love, I just want you all to know that your thoughts and service have really touched me! Thank you! 

There are countless other experiences I’ve had where people have acted as God’s angels. Grandma did just that when she tended to my daughter and taught her. She also did this as she greeted my kids each Sunday with a massive hug and I love you. Those simple acts didn’t go unnoticed. I know there are times when we feel overwhelmed and wonder if we are really making a difference in others’ lives. I believe we usually are. I know my mom is grateful to my grandma, those women in Korea, and many of you who were here to help me when I was feeling low. I am also grateful to many of you who mourned with my Grandma and continued to love and serve her after we moved away especially since she was still mourning over the loss of Grandpa. Thank you for your thoughts, meals, and service to her. Thank you for letting your children stand in for mine as they gave Grandma a hug and said, “I love you!” It is comforting to know we never leave loved ones completely alone. It’s comforting to know that we are not alone.  

Modesty: What is it and Where Do We Draw the Lines?

There I was sitting in my Spanish class doing a bell ringer, or some quiz as other students filtered in and sat down. I remember feeling hot and flushed after huffing it across campus. I had a light jacket on because I'd expected the weather to be a little cooler. I slid out of the jacket as I continued to work. Once I was done I waited for class to officially start and casually chatted with classmates. It was about this time when my teacher (some grad student) asked if I could step outside and talk with him. I immediately assumed he must want me to join in some secret game or activity to help the class learn more conjugations, or Spanish phrases. I definitely was not expecting to hear what he had to say.

No. He definitely didn't want to talk to me about verbs, or anything else having to do with class. Instead, he spent a good portion of time pointing out that my clothing didn't meet the honor code (or set of rules) I'd signed and agreed to follow. I was confused that he hadn't referred me to the honor code office like he should have since he thought I wasn't in compliance. However, he never mentioned the honor code again. Instead, he continued to passionately tell me why he believed my clothing was so distasteful. I tried seeing what was inappropriate about my clothing. I knew we weren't supposed to show cleavage, midruff, shoulders, and shorts and skirts were to come to the knee. I also knew that we weren't supposed to wear tight form fitting clothing. I looked down at my shirt and jeans in shock as I tried to figure out which of these rules I had inadvertently broken.

I stood there in the hallway for a couple of minutes while my teacher literally yelled at me. I felt humiliated, especially when students or faculty were in the halls. Yet, nothing could dissuade him from his rant about how wrong I was to wear such a shirt, how my "boobs" looked and why that made it difficult for him as "a married man" to have to be around "girls like me." I remember feeling mortified and trying to convince him I tried very hard not to be "one of those girls"...that I made a huge effort to dress modestly. I apologized which sent him back to lecturing me and criticizing me, but there was no way I could completely persuade him that I wouldn't have worn the shirt had I known it would have been seen in that light. He said that if I really wanted to dress modestly then I should buy shirts that were a size or two bigger than I'd normally wear. He said his wife did just that. Ironically, I'd received the shirt from my mom and hadn't thought it was too tight.

That's because it really wasn't too tight. After he was done explicitly pointing out the reasons he felt my clothing was immodest, I was sent back into the classroom to "put back on that jacket." As I walked back in he called another girl outside. I remember looking at her outfit and asking myself, "What is wrong with what she's wearing? is it her shirt? Maybe her pants?" I wasn't sure. Then, I noticed other girls had shirts that were similar to the one I was wearing. Yet, nobody else was called outside. Why had I been selected to receive such criticism when others wearing similar clothing were ignored. The girl sitting near me asked, "What did he want?" I shrugged and said, "I guess you'll find out" hoping she'd think it had all been about Spanish. Looking back I wonder if she heard him yelling, or if they noticed how long I'd been gone. I sat through the rest of class embarrassed and stifling hot under the added layer of my jacket.

The next couple of days I tried to understand why I was attacked for my clothing. I asked the guy I was dating at the time whether or not he'd thought my shirt was too tight and if I had anything else he thought was too fitting. He tried to be helpful and judge what clothing might be too sexy or attractive. I went through my closet and tried to get rid of anything that looked similar, not just because I wanted to follow the rules, but because I wanted to be modest. After hours of shifting through clothing I felt like I hadn't gotten anywhere. It was through this process that I began to really think about modesty. It began as a quest to see where the lines and limits were so I could stay away from them. To know what was too short, too low, too tight etc.What I ended up learning was so much more.

Perhaps, that's why I was interested in the hype that came after this months Ensign (a magazine that members of the Church read). In case you haven't followed, Elder Callister stirred the pot for a blogger and a couple of therapists who felt that the Ensign was perpetuating a rape culture which got some people talking.

The buzz started after one blogger names Natasha ripped Elder Callister's talk apart. While she had many points, it seems the only one that really got people's attention was his thoughts about modesty. In part this is because Natasha's other points seem to be based on her opinion. She criticized past leaders of the church and she seemed to think she trumped them because of her occupation as a therapist. However, she did raise some great points I believe all Mormons and everyone else should consider about modesty.

I have to admit that I feel a little bad for Elder Callister. His words received a lot more attention and push back than is normal for a talk published in our Church magazine. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't heard about it. If he has, I have enough respect for him to believe he would likely admit to some of the negative messages hidden in the short paragraph on modesty. I don't think he put them there purposefully. As with many things, I believe the good message he was trying to share was mixed in with common misconceptions held by our culture at large. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. If the misunderstandings were explained to him I think he'd readily agree to change how he discussed modesty.

So let's discuss what he said, and then talk about modesty... Here's the controversial quote,

"Our dress affects not only our thoughts and actions, but also the thoughts and actions of others...The dress of a woman has a powerful impact on the minds and passions of men. If it is too low or too high or too tight, it may prompt improper thoughts, even in the mind of a young man who is striving to be pure...Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self-respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for."

I have to admit, I didn't read the article until after I heard about the push back. As I read it there were a couple of spots where I cringed a bit. Yet, there is also plenty of truth to what he said.

Studies have shown that the way we dress affects our thoughts and actions. There is a reason many schools now have school uniforms. One study (From agents to objects: Sexist attitudes and neural response to sexualized targets, in the Journal of Cognitive Nueroscience) got a lot of attention from the media, (especially after Jessica Rey mentioned it in her speech that went viral among religious circles). It showed that how a woman dresses (modestly vs. scantily clad) affects the way they are perceived. I'd already read the article before Jessica's video surfaced, and I was aware that the study she quoted was blown out of proportion by the media (there were no screwdrivers involved and the results weren't as conclusive as all the media hype made it out to be). However, it did show that participants who looked at scantily clad women had brain activity in different areas of the brain compared to when they looked at modestly clothed women. It is possible then that the theory plays out that people see women as objects when they wear revealing clothing.


I think most of us already know this to some degree. Actually, this was one of the reasons I was so upset when I was verbally attacked by my Spanish teacher. I'd already gone through a phase where I'd dressed somewhat immodestly. I wore immodest clothing because it made me feel attractive and frankly, as a boy crazy teen I liked the attention I received. It wasn't until after I heard a couple of drunk men discussing my body in detail that I realized, a lot of the attention I received was sexual and I didn't want to be seen as a "thing" to have sex with.

Because I consciously made the decision to wear modest clothing, I felt confident and beautiful in what I wore. I already knew it was more difficult to obtain respect when I wore revealing clothing. The point I'm trying to make here is that: Modesty is about Respect! It's respecting our own body. It's moving past our cultures norms of objectifying people, both men and women. To put it more bluntly, it's realizing that we as women are not just a pair of legs, breasts, and genitals. It's also invites others to respect us as well.

Here's where we move into the next point, and where Elder Callister, my Spanish teacher, and many others get confused. While studies have shown that dressing immodestly can affect the way we and others perceive ourselves, the reason we should dress modestly isn't to protect men and others from having lustful or impure thoughts about us. However, it is important that women learn that men are much more visually stimulated then we are, meaning they become sexually aroused just by looking at an attractive woman. It's important women understand that because in general we aren't as easily aroused.

Still, no matter how much you cover up there will always be plenty of men who will see you as a sex object. There will always be men who won't respect women no matter how fully clothed they are (or aren't). And there never will be a universally accepted limit or line when it comes to modesty. In my Spanish teacher's mind I wasn't modestly dressed. In other men's minds unless I'm covered completely and only have my eyes showing I am inappropriately dressed. It becomes wrong when they reject me as a human being because of the way that I am dressed. We need to always see other people as human beings and recognize they are worthy of respect no matter how they are dressed. Men, you can hope women won't objectify themselves, you can wish that women cover themselves up so you aren't sexually aroused "even though [you're] married...,"but it becomes wrong when you look down on them for their lack of clothing.

AND...It is wrong to expect that women are responsible for your thoughts and actions. We shouldn't ever look at a woman as "one of those girls." And if men feel uncomfortable looking at women who are showing cleavage, that's not a bad thing. The fact that they're uncomfortable is a good thing (especially if they're married). Why? Because they don't want to see that woman as a sex object. Yet, while it may be uncomfortable, men can't control how women dress. Instead, they need to have enough respect for women to master their thoughts.

This is where Natasha was right. The idea that women's clothing, or actions are responsible for men's thoughts, actions, or moral purity is supportive of a rape culture. What I mean by rape culture is the ideas, myths, and misconceptions that our culture teaches that support rapists in justifying themselves and help perpetuate rape, sexual assault, and violence while blaming the victim. I have read several intense research articles discussing how rape victims who aren't dressed modestly are often blamed for their rape/assault.  This mentality isn't alright. Does any person deserve to be raped? No! Another rape myth that ties into this idea is that men can't control their sexual urges.

So if we were to look at Callister's words, in my opinion he has many valid points mixed in with rape myth messages. "Our dress affects not only our thoughts and actions, but also the thoughts and actions of others..." This is true. The way we dress does affect the way we are perceived. "The dress of a woman has a powerful impact on the minds and passions of men." This is true until he adds passions (depending on how you define it). Men are more than capable of controlling their thoughts. Yes, they may notice a woman is sexually attractive, but they can decide to stop those thoughts from turning to "passion" and actions... "If it is too low or too high or too tight, it may prompt improper thoughts, even in the mind of a young man who is striving to be pure..." This is true. He goes on, "Women particularly, can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self-respect and to the moral purity of men." This is also true. Though I believe women shouldn't be expected to dress to contribute to men's moral purity sine men are responsible for their own purity. After all even if we're just wearing a shirt and jeans, some of us just can't help looking good. Finally, "In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for." This is the sentence where I really cringe. I don't believe any women dresses to get a man who disrespects her. At the same time, I know from experience that the more revealing the clothing a woman wears, the more jerks she'll tend to attract. This sentence just really needed to be re-worded, or omitted all together.

So what is modesty? To me, dressing modesty is about self-respect. It's dressing in a way that doesn't objectify (or make one seem less then human) yet, makes you feel confident, and beautiful.

Why should we dress modestly? So we as women can recognize that we have value beyond our looks and the men who desire us. It's about self-respect and recognizing who we really are.

I wish I could rewind that confrontation with my Spanish teacher. If that were possible I'd certainly let him know that his degrading approach wasn't acceptable. In fact, had I reported our conversation he would have been cited for sexual harassment. Luckily, most people who attended BYU don't have such a negative encounter, but it isn't unheard of...I was sad to read Molina had a similar experience. Hopefully, in time that will change...

What is Grace?

A couple of months ago I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting (the main Mormon Sunday worship meeting). Since we have a lay congregation--where nobody is paid for their church service, we all take turns giving talks to add to our meeting of worship. It's a great way to learn more and allows every member an opportunity to develop speaking skills, and more importantly helps us develop our knowledge and testimony of the gospel.

Anyhow, I'd never thought of posting a talk I'd given before, but since I'm sure many friends and strangers are curious about what Mormon theology and beliefs are, and since my topic was on one of the most fundamental beliefs we have (on the atonement of Christ and more specifically grace); I decided to share it with you. I do want to point out that I do not directly speak for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A lot of my talk was taken from the most recent general conference (a meeting that all Mormons look forward to twice a year where we get to hear from our prophet and other leaders). I'll provide links to where I got the quotes so you can look into other scripture and talks if you'd like...

I was asked to discuss the atonement today and to specifically focus on how Christ's atonement allows us to overcome much more than just sin. I will be speaking about grace. I hope I can do so with the help of the Holy Ghost so we can all be edified and uplifted (Doctrine & Covenants 50:22).

I don't know about you, but back in my youth I spent many hours envisioning what my future life would look like. Some of these dreams included seeing myself as a powerful missionary confidently preaching the gospel. I also would dream of my future marriage along with the white picket fence, a blissful life, and of course an amazing husband. When I saw myself as a mother I pictured myself cuddling and playing with little ones.

Of course, I was aware that all of these dreams would come with challenges. I knew babies cried and being a mom was hard work. I knew my spouse and I would have differences, and that we may even have a disagreement, or argue from time to time. I would have told you I was up for the spills and messes that would need to be cleaned. And I also would have agreed that missionary work would be just that work, but I was up for it. Thankfully, I was right in thinking that I'd be up for all the work that came with being a missionary, wife, and mother, but now understand that one can never truly be ready for, or understand just how difficult all these roles are until you're in midst of it.

It wasn't until reality hit, and when I was in the thick of things that I'd realize life is so much harder than I'd anticipated in my perfect dream world. Why? Because you and I are all imperfect. We can't truly be our best at anything if we go at it alone. No, we all need the grace of God.

So what exactly is grace? In the Bible Dictionary it says, "Grace is a divine means of help or strength given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ...individuals receive strength and assistance...that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means." Why? Because it's a divine assistance. The dictionary goes on to say, "Grace is the enabling power...to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expanded their best efforts."

The last part of the definition points out where we differ in our definition of grace from many other Christian denominations. Many other Christians believe that accepting Jesus Christ as your savior is all you really need to be saved. We believe that there is more required than just faith alone.
In order to obtain grace we must make and keep covenants (including those made at baptism and ultimately in the temple). We also understand since we are imperfect we need to continue to repent and try to do better, or that we need to endure to the end.

Brad Wilcox gave a great illustration of how grace works in the September issue of the Ensign this year, where he compared grace with piano lessons. Think about it, when a mother decides to allow her child to take piano lessons she pays for them knowing that her child won't be paying her back with money. Instead, the mother and her child usually come up with a different payment plan. The mom pays for the lessons and in return the child devotes part of his/her time to practicing the piano.

Parents often find piano lessons to be a good investment because they have the foresight to see future benefits. They understand that the lessons will not only help them to develop a new talent, but also understand learning to play the piano will allow their child to make a contribution to society later on. Such parents also see that the lessons will help their son or daughter develop as a person.

There seems to come a time when the child taking piano lessons realizes that learning the piano isn't as easy, or as fun as they'd imagined. They may begin to tire of all the practicing required to develop such a skill. This usually happens when they see how much work and effort is necessary in learning the piano. This is when it's challenging for the child to see all the benefits their parents can foresee.

Likewise, many of us struggle understanding why God has asked us to do something whether that be following certain commandments, being asked to fulfill and magnify a certain calling, or whatever else. We need to remember that we also don't have His foresight and knowledge. Sometimes we may feel we're asked to be a one-man-band that's required to balance a heavy load. We're here on earth in part to become like our Heavenly Father. That means we have a lot of "lessons" and "practicing" to do. We're asked to learn how to be good mothers and fathers while balancing work, school, our own personal development, Church callings and responsibilities, home/visiting teaching, and taking care of household duties etc. It's a heavy load! Yet, with grace we're promised divine strength and I can testify when we remember that we can't do it alone and when we turn to Christ we can receive that divine grace and strength.

We often forget that we're not perfect yet. We have the tendency to have what my husband and I like to call, "The Happily Ever After Syndrome." We forget that those white picket fence dreams often aren't realistic. And when reality crushes our dreams, or the life we'd envisioned for ourselves, it can be depressing and we can be very hard on ourselves.

However, if we think about the piano analogy, we'd all agree that the average parent is aware that their son or daughter won't be playing in Carnegie Hall within a year or two of starting lessons. Instead, they expect their new pianist will hit a lot of wrong notes. When their child's timing is off, his/her mother doesn't think their child isn't worthy to keep practicing and trying. No, instead she'll encourage her child to continue to keep trying.

Elder Ucthdorf pointed out that we also "need to avoid feeling so burdened with our failures and shortcomings that we begin to think we will never be able to succeed. No one likes to fail. We want to be champions without effort and discipline and without making mistakes." Success without effort, discipline, and mistakes along the way is impossible. While perfection should be our ultimate goal, we need to be content as we're moving in the right direction.

Heavenly Father doesn't mind our weaknesses as much as we may think. Elder Scott said, "When the Lord speaks of weaknesses it is always with mercy." We should rejoice as we master each new piano piece that had been difficult to play when we first began. There aren't just two options: 1. Perfection or: 2. Give up. Really our only option is to keep trying, keep practicing, and to continue to invite the Lord to help make up where we lack. As Elder Ucthdorf stated, "Destiny is not determined by how many times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."

Playing those flat notes, or seeing our imperfections can be uncomfortable, but is necessary so we can be humble. In Jacob 4:7 we read that God shows us our weaknesses that we may know that it is by His grace that we have the power to do these things.

These imperfections and weaknesses aren't always just sins, or temptations we struggle with. For some it may include emotional weaknesses. I can personally attest like Elder Holland, that "We may feel like we are a broken vessel." Anxiety, clinical depression are a couple of examples of such weaknesses. People who suffer from such trials will find hope as "We...remember the vessel is in the hands of the Divine Potter."

There was a time when I felt like I was in my own deep dark abyss of depression when it was all that I could do to put one foot in front of the other. I felt ashamed and worthless, but because I still had a testimony of the gospel, I knew I should continue to read my scriptures and pray. It was all I could do to read a verse and say a route memorized prayer. At that time that was "my best effort." Looking back now I can see that those actions enabled me to keep pressing forward and while I felt broken, I can now see I wasn't alone. My life was in the Potter's hands.

It was a time in my life when I felt gutted, much like the Provo tabernacle was after the fire had devastated it's interior. Yet, as Sister Reeves mentioned, we know that had the fire not occurred, we might not have had the beautiful Provo temple today. The Lord had more in mind for that tabernacle. He foresaw it becoming a sacred and beautiful temple. Likewise, He had (and still has) more in mind for me and for you. That dark period of time was God's way of refining and sanctifying me.

Elder Funk described this process somewhat when he said, "Think of the good that comes from broken things: Soil is broken to plant wheat. Wheat is broken to make bread. Bread is broken to become the emblems of the sacrament. When one who is repentant partakes of the sacrament with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, he/she becomes whole."

So, whatever it is you're struggling with and whatever has you feeling inadequate keep placing your life in the Master's hands so He can refine you. I can testify that as broken as we may feel, as we turn to God and give Him all we can--even if all we have to give isn't much, we will in time see that He is refining us and making us whole. I testify that with God all things are possible and that "Nothing can keep us from the love of God which is Jesus our Lord." As Elder Nelson said, "There is only one way. True change—permanent change—can come only through the healing, cleansing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ." We only need to turn to Him and his grace shall enable and strengthen us.

Brothers and Sisters, I don't completely understand how the atonement works, but I can testify that I do know it's real. I know that because Christ suffered for us in Gethsemane He suffered every pain and trial we've had to bear. That is how He perfectly knows how to "succor us according to our infirmities" whatever those trials and infirmities may be. He knows because He too endured our individual sufferings. The atonement helps us overcome so much more than sin. It helps us to become whole. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

A Gift from the Heart

I'm not very good with gifts. In fact, I'm a horrible gift giver. I go through this cycle. I decide I'm going to buy something for someone close to me. I go to purchase it and then I think, "What if they hate it?" This thought usually nags at me so much I will often never decide on anything and will give up." Well, this Christmas I decided I'd be a little vulnerable. Actually, really vulnerable. I've decided to share the biggest gift I could ever give.

For the longest time, I've always been hesitant about talking about certain topics just in case I hurt someone or offend them. Spirituality, or my religious beliefs was one of those topics. Even after I got back from a mission--where all I did all day every day was talk with strangers about the gospel of Jesus Christ-- I still never went there with friends.

However, I've decided the thought processes that have kept me from sharing and inviting friends to learn more about my faith isn't very logical. I hope that whether or not you are interested in accepting any invitations, or not, you'll appreciate that I'm just trying to share something that has helped me and made me extremely happy.

For example, a year ago my grandpa passed away. I lived close to him and built up a close relationship with him over the years. He was a father figure in my life and I loved him. Even though it was rough losing him, my belief that I'll see him again someday and that we're family forever really helped lighten the trial. My belief in eternal families has also helped my husband and I in our perspective about what marriage should be like. There are so many other examples I could give about how my faith has helped me through hard times, and made me a better person. 

I think most of us are trying to figure out what life is all about. What is truth, and what isn't. Even within my faith there are always questions that come up, and sometimes I've found answers that have been inspired from friends of other faiths--even some who were atheist. I enjoy understanding what other people believe and how they arrived to their convictions. It has caused me to question and rethink and even to further solidify some of my own beliefs.

So, whether you're just curious about us Mormons, you've been struggling with the meaning of life, would like to know about eternal families, or anything else I'd invite you to talk with the missionaries. There are plenty of them around these days: sets of two young men, or young women with the black tags.

And if by chance, you are a little annoyed when people talk religion, I hope you aren't offended by anything I've said and that you'll know I'm just hoping to add a little more to your lives. You can always just pretend you never read this if you're not interested.

If you would like to know more... here are a couple of options to look into:

• Meet with our missionaries. If you click on this link and fill out some information you'll be able to meet with some missionaries who live in an area near you. 

•  Check out Mormon.org and lds.org to get an idea about what we believe

•  Come worship with us. Anyone is invited. Most people dress up a bit so it may be a good idea to come in a nice shirt and tie for men, or in a dress for women, but you won't be turned away if you're dressed casually either.

• Or accept my gift of a free Book of Mormon. Just pretend it's gift wrapped and sent directly from me to you. Just know it's not a novel, or anything, and I highly encourage you talk with the missionaries while reading it so they can answer questions you might have.

I wish you all Merry Christmas!